The Day I Thought I Had Received my Last Rites

After a long trip to Brazil, back in 2004/2005, I returned home to Ireland and, as I still had 6 months with nothing to do, I decided to get a job.

There is nothing more rewarding than getting a job, right? So people say, anyway, so I became a bartender at a local hotel.

On the second day of the job, as I was pulling a pint, I felt the strongest, sharpest pain I had ever felt in my entire life. I spilled beer on the costumers and all, it was a massive mess, I tell you!

That pain didn’t go away! It was sooooo bad and no position I tried to be in felt comfortable, just more and more pain. Well, what else could I have done? So I was brought to hospital. I had no idea what was going on with me, I thought it was appendicitis, but I was wrong… it was kidney stones.

My mother was there with me and I could see she was in pain from seeing me in pain. They tried three different types of painkillers and none made the pain go away, so they had to bring out the big guns: Morphine. Still I am not sure what I felt, but the pain went away almost instantaneously, but also my blood pressure, which dropped down to 73 by 31 (This is really, really low blood pressure). I am not sure what had happened, but I couldn’t speak and could barely understand what the people around me were saying.

Out of nowhere, I see a priest lean over me, puts his hands over my forehead and says something, which for me sounded like Charlie Brown’s teachers. As I couldn’t speak, I started struggling, well, I wanted to know what was happening! “Why the hell is a priest talking to me?”, I thought… maybe I should have just given up, really… at that stage, I thought I was dying and the priest came to give me my last rites. As quick as he appeared, he disappeared and, slowly, I became more alert and asked why the hell was he giving me my last rites? I heard a wave of laughter from the nurses and from my mom… I felt so embarrassed! It turned out that my mom was the priest’s hairdresser and he just came in to say hello.

Yeah… and that’s how you feel like a fool.

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9 thoughts on “The Day I Thought I Had Received my Last Rites

  1. Another person whose body doesn’t like morphine, regardless of effectiveness …
    Wagner, do me a small favour …? send me an email so that I can use it to send one to you ?

  2. Hilarious! But I completely understand why you thought that this was the end. I would have thought the same to be honest. My experience with morphine was quite good I have to admit. I was also in hospital due to kidney infection (which was really bad but I heard stones are worse), had 40.3C temperature and vomited every 20min so I was severely dehydrated. I was in agony until they gave me morphine and suddenly all the pain, sickness etc was gone! Unfortunately they wouldn’t give it to me again afterwards because I kept demanding it. Instead I got paracetamol which did f*** all :-/

    • Yeah, paracetamol…. it does nothing! YEah, I had a very bad experience with it, I actually got flat lined for three seconds, that’s why my blood pressure went down so low, my heart actually stopped beating. It was terrifying… but I am glad that it became a funny story! hehehe! I told that story in a open mic stand up night in UCD (Where I did my degree)… people cracked up!

      • That is scary indeed I am lucky I’ve never had my heart stop beating. It’s great how you turned this experience into a good joke though! 🙂

  3. Great story. And not many mums’ hairdressers would turn up at the bedsides of relatives to lay their hands on fevered brows and mutter words of comfort. So no wonder you thought you were on your way elsewhere.

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